i wish he knew how much he’s hurt me.
i wish he knew how hard it’s been for me to trust anyone or let anyone in since he cheated on me.
i wish he knew that i still cry every time i drive past the places we went to together.
i wish he knew that sometimes i don’t eat because the idea of being skinnier than her is one of the few things that brings me comfort.
i wish he knew that the day i came home and found a box of the things i gave him sitting outside my door i cried for two and a half hours straight. i didn’t open the box because i knew my heart would break all over again.
i wish he knew that it took me six years to learn how to love myself, and because of what he did i’ve had to start over from square one.
i wish he knew that i lost my best friend the day he walked out of my life.
i wish he knew that every time i leave town, it’s because i’m trying to run away from the memory of everything that happened.
i wish he knew that it was exponentially easier for me to love him than it is for me to hate him now, but i have to force myself to feel this way to get through the day.
but really, i hope he doesn’t know any of this. because i want him to believe that he wasn’t so important to me that i’m still not over him five months later. i want him to see me so much happier without him and question leaving me for her. i want him to think that i don’t still wake up most mornings hoping he finally drunk texted or called me to say he’s sorry.
the truth is, though, that i do. because, try as i might, i can’t forget.