you are allowed to terminate toxic relationships
you are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you
you are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving
you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself
(Source: , via longlostcheetahgirl)
Dear Past Self,
How are you? It’s been a while – almost a year, I think – since we last saw each other. The memories of our encounter are fuzzy in my mind, but I remember you telling me back then that you were going through a hard time. I’ve thought about you frequently since we parted ways, fretting over what I could have said to ease your burdens, and now I think I’m finally at a point in my life where I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty:
It gets better.
I know right now you think it won’t. I know – I’ve been there. Waking up before sunset on the verge of tears as the tendrils of your dreams slowly release their grip on your lungs. Slowly starving yourself because your body feels like a glass tube through which food will simply slide, leaving a grimy residue but never filling you up. Sitting still, staring blankly straight ahead, desperately trying to quiet the roar in your head as distant voices filter through your ears and fade away.
It feels neverending. Hopelessness can crush even the strongest of wills, and yours was always fragile. You look into your future and it’s unbearably dark; all you can make out is a broken trail paved with self-loathing and regret. You feel unworthy of love and affection, undeserving of the respect that people always tell you about in vague terms.
But haven’t you felt this way before?
Remember the first boy who broke your heart, if you can. Remember how you cried yourself to sleep every night afterwards. Remember how you lived off of nothing but rage and bitterness for months while you shed pounds like dead skin cells. Remember the weekends you spent alone, immobile under a pile of unwashed sheets as you contemplated how many stories you would need to jump from to guarantee death, and whether he would notice at all if you succeeded.
Now think about that boy, really try to recall the fine details of his presence in your life. Do you remember the hands and smile you swore you’d never forget? Do his sugar-coated promises and lies still haunt you? Of course not – because he no longer matters.
It got better. Those were the darkest days of your life, and you survived them. Not only that, you learned, you grew, and you became strong. You took the shredded pieces of your heart and sewed them back together with trembling hands. Sure, some of the stitches are a little rough, but you did it. When you thought you had nothing left to live for, you found a way to keep living.
Look at you now. He buried you in the darkest, dankest corner of the world, and in spite of that you blossomed into a beautiful, successful woman. Think of all the unforgettable experiences you had after he left you. You travelled to new cities, discovered new music, and tasted new delicacies. You got in shape and learned how to have a good time. You met remarkable people who have since changed your life for the better in so many more ways than he ever did. And, most importantly, you finally figured out that you’re more valuable than you give yourself credit for.
Had he not cut you down, you wouldn’t have found a reason to rise. And rise again you will. You know now that it’s possible to breathe again after suffocating for so long – don’t let that knowledge go to waste, because it gives you hope. Let that hope serve as a torch to light your way as you traverse the treacherous path of healing ahead of you, and know that, rather than loneliness, a renewed sense of confidence lies ahead.
It gets better.
Gradually, day by day. Time is all it takes. Grit your teeth and keep going, and as the months slip by, your eyes will dry. The vivid, too-bright memories that prick at your consciousness like needles right now will start to lose their sheen, becoming dull and shapeless. In the end, he will mean nothing, and you will be all you need again.