being a student in annenberg is incredibly stressful. you’re constantly surrounded by people who have connections, who have great personalities, who are doing things with their lives. every conversation is a reminder that you have to step up your game. half of the people i know in annenberg already have jobs lined up after graduation or know how they’re going to get them. how do you even compete with that?
this morning i was hit by an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. nothing in particular triggered it — it’s just a number of things that have been building up. paramount turned me down yesterday after making me wait 3 weeks for a decision. terry hines & associates still hasn’t gotten back to me, despite offering an internship to one of my friends immediately after her interview today. someone in one of my classes mentioned that he got an interview at fox yesterday because he knew someone there who passed his resume on to the right people, which is apparently the only way to get hired there. basically, i feel very unwanted right now.
people always tell me that they believe in me and they know i’m going to be successful because i’m so driven. i wish i believed in myself the way they believe in me. being driven can only get your toes in the door in my industry. the rest is all connections and personality, neither of which i have a great deal of. every morning i wake up one day closer to graduation but no more sure about what i’m going to do or how i’m going to support myself once i’m on my own. i don’t trust my abilities — i’m not a great public speaker, i talk too fast, i’m terrible at coming up with creative ideas, and i don’t have the thick skin i need to pursue what i want. i’m worried that what i CAN do won’t be enough to set me apart from the hundreds of other qualified candidates out there. i mean, i’ve already had four internships and four jobs, and i’m still being overlooked for people with less experience. what more can i do?
i just wish something great would happen to me, something that would reassure me that i have something others don’t. i know i shouldn’t compare myself to others, but how else do you evaluate yourself if not against people with the same goals as you?
“I wanted my relationship with Jesse to be deep and real, and I had to care about him, like a brother I’d forgive anything. Even in arguments, there would be this blood type. I did dream about Eduardo and his struggle. We split shooting one scene over two days — the scene when I arrive in Palo Alto at the apartment. We shot half of it, then I went to sleep and had nightmares about breaking up with Jesse, and felt I’d behaved badly. I was already into the guilt stage. I thought, ‘If maybe I’d dealt with it differently.’ Then the other half of me was, ‘No, you are justified, it is your house, they’re messing with your hard-earned money and you’re being taken advantage of.’ It was useful going onto the set the next day with that dream.”—Andrew Garfield, Variety.com (via promentory)
“A chill settles around me as I leave behind the light of the bookstore. Each step further drives in the fact that I am walking away from a world of ardent speculation into one of irreversible knowing. A shiver travels down my spine at the thought. By now, my anxiety has flatlined into grim acceptance: standing at the edge of adolescence, I can see the stretch of blackness before me.”—part of the personal narrative i wrote about the deathly hallows release for my WRIT340 class in sophomore year.
…but working the AMAs at katsuya is definitely the craziest. there’s nothing quite like struggling to restrain three ghetto ass girls on their fourth attempt to sneak into kim and khloe kardashian’s private lounge unnoticed.
also, let me just say that gabriel aubry is one fine piece of ass. unf. i would absolutely hit it.